Discover Your Core Values:
Four Essential Questions that can help you get there
I have a question for you: What is your core value? That one thing you stand for, the principle you'd live and die for.
Recently, I've been asking people this question a lot, only to find out that many don't know. In fact, they often don’t realize they should have a core value in the first place. It's like setting a ship to sail without knowing its destination or even having a map! Most of us aren't taught to identify our core values; I didn't discover mine until my thirties.
Now, I see my core value as the title of the book of my life. Like any good novel, the story must reflect its title in a meaningful way. Isn’t that why we pick up a book in the first place?
People have literally died for their core values, while others have faced severe ridicule—think of Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Greta Thunberg, and many more. Yet, for many, core values remain undefined or unclear.
Knowing your core values makes life decisions so much easier. For me, my core values act as a guide. If something doesn’t align with them, it’s probably not for me. Everything in my life needs to align with these deep values that define who I am and why I'm here.
What Are Core Values?
So, what exactly are core values? They are the principles we stand for, what gives our lives meaning. They guide us to design our lives according to what we believe and value, rather than living haphazardly. Core values are deeply connected to our souls. They encompass things like justice, communication, honesty, fairness, and love. Imagine telling your child, "Honey, the most important thing in life is to be ____." That's a core value.
According to Schwartz's Theory of Basic Values, "Affect and values are inextricably connected. Values become saturated with emotion once we activate them. They transcend specific situations and actions, distinguishing them from attitudes and norms."
For me, knowing my core values gives my life richness and meaning. It means understanding what I stand for and recognizing what I won't do because it simply doesn't align with my values. It's about truly knowing yourself at your core.
When we are unaware of these values, we often don't know who we are. We keep testing things out to see if they "feel" right, much like teenagers. Understanding our core values takes the guesswork out of life.
This doesn't mean becoming rigid. Not at all! Once you know what makes you tick, you'll feel a sense of freedom.
Unveiling Your Core Value
I only discovered the importance of core values at 35, during a self-discovery course while in the midst of an existential crisis. The “guru” (Yes, do picture pink robes and long white beard) asked us to identify what had real meaning in our lives—our deepest beliefs and values. While others responded confidently, I shrank back thinking: "How the hell are they so sure?" and “What the hell is wrong with me? Now I somehow have more issues then when I got here !!”.
Then he asked if we had experienced a pinnacle moment that revealed our values. Many shared stories of deep soul-searching decisions; their core values magically revealed in these defining moments with lots of “Oooo’s” and “Ahhhh’s” from the group.
Reflecting on my life, I realized I'd recently undergone significant changes: ending an eleven-year marriage, quitting a ten-year job, and leaving a Ph.D. program—all within six months. I felt rattled at my core, very nervous “breakdowny” as I’m sure you can image. My life was a total mess. But wait, perhaps I was actually listening to my core for the first time ever. That would certainly rattle a person. Was I discovering my true core values instead of adhering to societal expectations?
I left that workshop definitely still unsure of my core values and probably how I was gonna afford dinner that night. But, something had shifted and a door had been opened. I was determined to find these elusive values. Little did I know that determination itself was my core value. My entire being rejected autopilot living; I was determined to live consciously, even if it meant blowing up my entire life — which was pretty much what I did.
Scott Jeffrey says, "Values aren't selected; they are discovered. We don't choose our values. Our values reveal themselves to us." Mine certainly did.
Fast forward 10 Years later, I opened a studio for conscious living and have been teaching Life Design, a journey of self-discovery, ever since. Who woulda known I that was in my future in those days of rolling around on dirty shag carpet !? Since then I have learned about a few other pinnacle values that truly guide my life.
Four Questions to Discover Your Core Value
Are you interested in finding yours? Here are four questions that may help you uncover your core values:
Think about a pivotal moment when you had to make an important decision. What was the deciding factor?
What words come up when you talk about yourself? Fill in this sentence: "No matter what, I always _____."
If you wrote a book about your life, what would the title or subtitle be?
If you had children, what lesson would you want to be sure they learned?
When teaching the Core Values section of the Life Design course, I have my students draw a sun. The circle in the middle holds their core value. Each ray stands for Love, Money, Career, Family, Friends, Health, and Community. We then assess if these aspects of life align with their core values.
In alignment, all is well.
Out of alignment, there is work to be done.
But this isn’t just blind work. With your core values as a guide, you can trace every part of your life back to this governing principle.
See how much easier life becomes when you know what “you” believe?